My Story Related

Mirah Riben

My life was irrevocably changed in 1968 when, lacking support, I succumbed to the pressure to surrender of my first-born child, a daughter, to adoption, becoming one of an estimated four million American mothers to surrender a newborn to adoption between 1940 to 1970; two million during the 1960s alone.

Like other mothers who turned a tragic loss into improving a social condition, i.e. Maureen Kanaka who established Megan’s Law in memory of her slain daughter; the founders of MADD, and many others, my mission in life is family preservation; prevention of unnecessary, unwarranted losses; providing honest and open alternative child care as a last resort to care for orphans and children who have no family able to provide safely for them without eradicating their heritage; family reunification; and regulation and licensure of adoption providers and agencies.

After losing my firstborn I became associate editor of three magazines in New York, married and bore three children. The following decades were filled with parental activities: playgroups, scout meetings, class mother, car-pooling, PTA, and La Leche League meetings. But I never forgot, as I had been advised to do.

Instead, I began a path of self-education, reading voraciously about adoption. Learning of adoptees and parents searching and reuniting, I longed for assurance that my daughter was thriving and cared for. I became one of the early members of Concerned United Birthparents, Inc. and within ten years, along with four other women, co-founded Origins, Inc., a New Jersey-based, national organization for mothers who lost their children to adoption, helping mothers deal with ongoing loss, grief, PTSD, shame, anger, search and reunion. A “pioneer,” I was among the very first mothers to “come out,” speaking publicly in the 1980’s.

As support group facilitator, I consoled mothers who found their adopted-out children in far less than the “better homes” than had been promised. Adoptees died in infancy while their mothers dreamed of them growing up, or had become disturbed adolescents, often on drugs. Adoptive parents divorced and died leaving adoptees with a single mother or terminated adoption. Mothers found children who had been physically and sexually assaulted, abandoned, imprisoned, killed in car crashes and even murdered. Much of this was documented my first book, shedding light on…The Dark Side of Adoption (1988) giving voice to what had heretofore been called the “invisible member of the adoption triad.”

Family members separated by adoption who search in the vast majority of states in which records are sealed are forced to deal with a quasi-legal underground. I knowingly risked imprisonment believing it was an act of civil disobedience to help reunite hundreds of families and also helped mothers prevent unnecessary adoption by providing temporary shelter. One mother I assisted subsequently married the father of her child and the mother of the other relented after seeing the baby and took them both back in. After the 1987 murder by Joel Steinberg of his illegally adopted child, Lisa, I coordinated a candle light vigil for Lisa and reunited the toddler boy found illegally adopted by Steinberg and Hedda Nussbaum. Travis Smeigel has remained with the family who thought they couldn’t parent him, is now in college.

I was Director-at-Large of the American Adoption Congress and in 1990 organized a speak at the first march on Washington as well as a Red Tape ceremony at the Hotel Roosevelt in New York.
In 1983 I found my daughter’s adoptive family and offered updated medical information and to open the closed adoption. I later began to develop a relationship with my daughter. In 1995, her kids grown, employed full-time and attending college, I learned that my firstborn daughter had taken her life at just 27 years of age, another tragic statistical phenomenon of adoption. I took a step back from adoption issues as I healed from the loss, which took a toll physically as well as emotionally.

Ten years later, retried and on disability, I returned to adoption work to find that domestic infant adoption became the province of the private entrepreneurial sector with lax regulation. The dwindling “supply” of babies due to changes in social mores and access to birth control, coupled with increased “demand” left adoption no longer about finding homes for babies who needed care, but about finding babies to fill a demand by those willing to pay.  Outraged at the coercion, corruption and exploitation, I began research on what was to become my second book, The Stork Market:  America’s Multi-Billion Dollar unregulated Adoption Industry (2007). Once again an advocate and activist, determined to fight the Goliath baby brokering industry, I have persevered despite opposition of my efforts to change an accepted paradigm by exposing aspects of adoption that are difficult for many to accept or even believe.

I am currently Vice President of Communications of Origins-0USA.org. My books can be found at: www.AdvocatePublications.com.

Mirah

When I was 6 or 7 years old my Mother told me that I was not biologically hers and that my sister and I were adopted. This was stunning news because as a child I didn’t know what “adopted” meant and why this happened to me. Being labeled adopted made me feel different from everyone else and it explained why I didn’t resemble any family members. As I grew older I gained an appreciation of the blessing of adoption however I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing in my life. This void became more evident with the passing of every birthday, every Mother’s Day and even with the birth of my own children.  As any curious adoptee I had a host of questions including the obvious ones of wanting to know who my birth mother and father are, what were the circumstances in my birth mother’s life that caused her to give me up for adoption, did I have any siblings? And of course who do I look like?

Since I was part of a closed adoption, my adoptive parents had no information on my biological parents. So at the age of 22 I embarked on what would be a 20 year search for my biological mother. Over the years I would gather small pieces of information along the way but my searching was difficult because of the many obstacles and challenges that were encountered. Eventually I acquired the assistance of an experienced friend and before long I was put in touch with my niece, who connected me with her Mother which was my biological sister. She connected me with another sister I didn’t know I had. My sisters had known about me for years and had wanted to search for me but didn’t know where to begin .They were both stunned and delighted to learn I had been looking for our Mother and found them along the way. Surprisingly these two sisters led me to yet another sister on my father’s side, who in turn told me about another sister and brother I have yet to meet. Shortly thereafter I came face to face with the very woman who gave me life 42 years ago, my biological Mother. After a 20 year search this experience was simply overwhelming. I later learned my biological father was living in the same city. Since my biological parents were never married he didn’t know about my birth yet he was excited to learn he had another daughter. My sisters arranged for us to meet and that was indeed a joyous experience. The interesting thing is my biological family and I lived in the same city within minutes of each other, went to the same churches and schools and even knew some of the same people but never knew we were related!

My bio Dad’s wife was not the least bit thrilled I had suddenly arrived in the family. Despite the strong family resemblance she wasn’t ready to accept me and the fact that I was her husband’s daughter. She demanded a DNA test and essentially made things very difficult. I believed the only way I was going to have a relationship with my biological father was to comply with her request.

I talked to my bio Mom about this and she mentioned she had heard Identigene’s radio commercial and suggested that I go get the test and send it in just to get the peace of mind. So I went to Rite Aid, purchased the test. I then obtained the cheek samples from my bio parents and along with my own cheek samples sent them to the lab via overnight mail. The next day I received a call from customer service confirming they received my samples and to advise me that the results would be ready within 5 days. However being anxious I checked the website daily (well hourly is more like it) and by the third day my results were ready online! Needless to say the results confirmed that I had indeed found my biological parents and siblings. I was indeed the long lost daughter and sister. More importantly the accuracy and timeliness of the DNA results put to rest any doubters in the group.

I now have a wonderful relationship with my biological family and we are looking forward to many happy years together.